Summertime Sadness

Penning down my crisis management thoughts in the heat of the moment

My morning workout involves a very spirited walk from my bed to the hall in order to fetch the newspaper. Only today, on my return journey back to my bed, I was sweating so profusely that I could have solved Bengaluru’s water crisis

Then I suddenly remembered an article I had read last week - if you are sweating profusely, you could be having anything from a panic attack to a heart attack. Or you could be looking at Salman Khan in the mid-90s, I had told myself back then

But this time it seemed like a burning issue. I started feeling like an actress who’s listening to the second-half narration of a Gautham Menon movie - Is this the end of my story? 

As my dying wish, I wanted to try reading the newspaper for once in my life. I wanted to know how it feels to not just use it to absorb the oil in the vengaaya bajji. On opening the newspaper, I got to know that I could be feeling like this because of the heat wave in India

It is true - the Sun is going to release its dream project for the planet in these coming months. I remember going to the motta maadi (Bald Terrace) the other day to pick up clothes, and wondering why they felt like they landed straight from Santhosh Sivan’s camera in Thalapathy. These days, even listening to Pudhu Vellai Mazhai hasn’t been making the room any cooler

I started drafting an action plan to combat this. After several heated discussions within my head, here is a Summer-y:

1.     Drink so much water that if someone cuts your skin, you should bleed H2O. This will mean a lot of trips to the restroom - but you can reach your daily steps goal that way

2.     You’ve been doing this well already - stay indoors. Don’t even look outside the window until it is 5pm

3.     Don’t watch Sun TV, Sunrisers Hyderabad matches, and Sun-dar C films

4.     Watch movies that are set in winter or snowy places. Go on a Yash Chopra songs rampage on YouTube. Rewatch Hardhome from Game of Thrones every single day.

5.     Avoid foods from sunfeast

6.     You should have two layers of physical existence. One should be your normal body covered with your normal skin. The next should be sunscreen. Bury yourself in a mountain of sunscreen. Wear it even if you look like Ramarajan from Karakattakaran

7.     Hereon, the earth is going to behave like Ram Gopal Varma’s career trajectory. It’s gonna do as it pleases, it’s gonna be unpredictable, and it’s gonna make you go “I liked you better before”. So be mentally prepared

8.     Be cold to people you meet

If you are living in an Indian city, this should answer some of your burning questions. If that city is Chennai, then I am sorry - the Sun hates you as much as we hated T-Series for remixing Masakali.