Purposeless Product Review - 5 Star

No Research Done whatsoever

My ex-girlfriend loves 5 Star

To me, it has always been an unholier counterpart to Cadbury’s tastier and simpler diabetes-generator, Dairy Milk, and its numerous siblings. Are there more varieties of Silk than there are of…plants? I think they crossed the line - I am silk of it now, it’s high time they (cad)burry this and move on

I am a fan of the supremely better Twix – whenever any generous US-returned soul is kind enough to get me a typical chocolate box, I head straight for the Twix, and as the caramel hits me, my inner voice is always mumbling “Hmm, now I know why five star is not sold in the West”. Who would want to look at a deer when you have a kangaroo?

5 Star is like that student who sits next to the topper of the class, tries very hard to be like the topper, mimics the topper, and ends up barely passing. And then goes “What the hell does he have that I don’t?” 

Okay, it is not THAT bad

It does feel extremely soft, like a chewing gum had a glow up after going through a period of significant personal transformation. This could explain its loyal and huge fan base, such as my ex-girlfriend.

And it inevitably takes me back to my childhood, oh the days when we used to post-mortem the shit out of everything (thinking back about it – it is disturbing, yes). If you had 5 Star as a child, you would have most probably tried eating it layer-by-layer, and told to yourself “Hah! This is the science behind!”

It also feels like it is priced lesser than it should be, despite the ever-decreasing size (one day, we will be eating chocolates the size of grains, but hey, it’ll be the same price). That’s a rare feat to achieve in times where we are selling our great-grandfather’s real estate to buy a meal.

But it could easily be so much better – perhaps just by adding a layer of biscuit. I know, I know, that’s Twix – but, this isn’t new – we buy Munch and Perk with equal joy, despite knowing that one of them copied the other’s homework and just put a different label. Except for that short phase when Perk was really becoming something else – before it decided “Nah thanks, I’m good with my previous version” - the opposite of self-improvement. So yes, like I was saying, maybe 5 star just needs some small…twix

However, I do love their ads

Dairy Milk ads typically either show good looking people doing cute things or emotionally manipulate the viewer with dramatic stories (the latter is honestly getting out of hand – which afternoon-TV-soap director is making these ads?), 5 Star ads are creative and quirky – they don’t really me want to ‘buy’ the product, but they are at least fun to watch.

So, what’s the verdict?

I wanted to give a star rating out of ten – I decided I will give it…five stars. My ex-girlfriend would disagree. 

If I am hungry and I had to have something, I wouldn’t mind it. I wouldn’t run for my life like if I saw a Bounty. But I wouldn’t be erupting with joy like I found a Perk (let me exclude Munch here on behalf of the previously mentioned Great Phase of Perk)

P.S: We’re doing okay now, I married her

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